Stone and Flesh

I want to be angry and throw things. In my anger there is familiarity. In my anger there is habit and complacency. It hurts to be angry. It burns my insides and makes my heart stone but for me to try and not be angry hurts even more. I have been so long in anger that I do not know what it means to forgive. I do not know the comfort and release of letting things go. I put up with shit for so long that I became hard and cynical, but I do not want to go back to putting up with shit. I just can't seem to find the balance between being walked over and being apathetic. Being too compassionate and being furious. Where is the middle ground that protects me from heartbreak but lets me help others? Maybe I have to have my heart broken. Maybe it will then turn from stone into flesh once more and I can live. I want to be free. Jesus, please help me. I want to hope again. I want to hope in You again.